September twenty eleven

So I had surgery on September 7th, they had to repair a torn ligament and take out a big chunk of bone. Funny story, they put in a pain pump, lidocaine. I went back to the dr. a week later and he said, the lidocaine should be basically gone, and I'm like what? I still have most of it and he says "haven't you been pushing the button to dose yourself" "what button" oh geez, nobody told me about the damn button. so I made it the first week with little pain relief. It's been almost two weeks now, and it's slowly getting better, I am on crutches for roughly six weeks, (non weight bearing) and hopefully this will fix my years of problems and ultimately the beginning of my addiction.

I just got back from St. George with my Grandma, grandpa, aunt, mom, and sister. We went to Tuachan to see Grease and the little mermaid! Amazing! For TLM they flooded the stage to make it look like the ocean, it a really fun trip. We even got to stay in the presidential suite, we had a hot tub on the deck, which was awesome, except that, hmmm... im in a cast. sad day.

Also Thought I'd add this for my addict friends, and hell for those of you who aren't, maybe it'll help you understand, uh, something :)

If God spoke to AA he might have said: 

Into your weak and feeble hands I have entrusted a power beyond your estimate.  To you has been given that which has been denied the most learned of your fellows.  Not to scientists or statesmen, not to wives or mothers, not even to my priests and ministers have I given this gift of healing other alcoholics, which I entrust to you.  It must be used unselfishly.  It carries with it grave responsibility.  No day can be too long, no demands upon your time can be too urgent, no case too pitiable, not task too hard, no effort too great.  It must be used with tolerance, for I have restricted its application to no race, no creed, and no denomination.  Personal criticism you must expect, lack of appreciation will be common, ridicule will be your lot, your motives will be misjudged.  Success will not always attend your efforts in your work with other alcoholics.  You must be prepared for adversity, for what men call adversity is the ladder you must use to ascend the rung toward spiritual perfection.  I shall not exact of you beyond your capabilities.

You are not selected because of your exceptional talents; and be careful always, if success attends your efforts, not to ascribe it to personal superiority, that to which you can lay claim only by virtue of my gift.  If I had wanted learned men to accomplish this mission, the power would have been entrusted to the physician and the scientist. If I had wanted eloquent men there would have been many anxious for the assignment, for talk is the easiest used of all talents with which I have endowed mankind. If I had wanted scholarly men, the world is filled with better qualified than you who would have been available. You were selected because you have been outcasts of the world, as your long experience as a drunkard has made, or should make you, humbly alert to the cries of distress that come from the lonely hearts of alcoholics everywhere.  Keep ever in mind the admission that you made on the day of your profession of A.A.-- namely, that you are powerless, and that it was only with your willingness to turn your life and will into my keeping that relief came to you.

Think not, that because you have been dry one year or two years, or ten years, that it is the result of your unaided efforts. The help which has been keeping you normal will keep you so just as long as you live this program which I have mapped out for you. Beware of the pride that comes from growth, the power of numbers and invidious comparisons between yourselves, or your organization with other orginizations whose sucess depends on numbers, money and position. These material things are no part of your creed. The success of material organization comes from pooling of joint assets: yours from the union of mutual liabilities. Appeal for membership in material organizations is based upon a boastful recital of their accomplishments: yours on the humble admission of weakness.  The motto of successful commercial enterprise is: "he profits most who serve best." The wealth of material organizations, when they take the inventory, is measured by what they have left: yours, when you take moral inventory, by what you have given.

Stopping vs. stayed stopped.

Most likely because I had lots of practice, I became pretty good at stopping using. The pain and embarrassment would typically reach a level that negated the benefits of continued using, so I would dig deep and summon the willpower to stop. The act was usually accompanied by dramatic promises of some sort; maybe a vow to eat better, take vitamins or join a gym.  There had to be some new wrinkle to convince myself I wasn't simply repeating the madness of the last time.  Some of these "cures" took on a pathetic, gimmicky quality:  I can remember one time thinking that a new breakfast cereal or tattoo might just be all that stood between me and a lifetime of sobriety.

Yeah, stopping was no picnic, but it was relatively easy compared to "staying stopped." That part of the deal-- the ongoing sobriety--always proved tricky for me.  Astonishingly, even the grandest plans to mold a new sober existence sometimes lasted only a day or two.  Or I'd make it a week, pronounce myself not an addict or alcoholic, and celebrate by using and drinking alcoholicly for a couple weeks.  

When I stop using, the first part of me that gets well is my body.  No spiritual program of recovery is required for my organs and systems to return to normal function.  They simply need the absence of drugs and time.  It's painful to get through, but usually a few days/weeks of shaking and sweating is enough to get you feeling reasonably normal again.  

So the body is restored painfully but quickly(in the scheme of things).  The appetite returns.  We begin to feel normal (ok, less abnormal). And it's at this point, just as we're physically out of the woods and feeling human again, that the battle shifts from stopping to "staying stopped."  Our momentum is no longer fueled by physical pain or our embarassment over that late night facebook post.  So our resolve gets revised.

Geez.  Maybe I overreacted a bit.  I mean, sheesh, it's not like I murdered anyone!

It's not that we forget what happened, we just remember it differently.  This is addict/alcoholic thinking-- a subtle rewriting of history with the edges softened just enough to permit us to use again.  It's also Grade-A, un-cut insanity, but it doesn't feel that way.  It feels normal.   You see, an insane mind cannot identify an insane thought.

 Abstinence treats the physical aspect of addiction-- after a period of time, we no longer suffer from the CONSTANT irresistable urge and craving.  We feel well.  We go to NA/AA meetings and share just how much better things have become--and they have: we've stopped wetting our bed, can form basic sentences, and we're remembering our conscious moments.  Life is almost normal. 

So normal, in fact, that we believe we can use/drink like normal people.

Addiction is so cunning that it is willing to starve for a period of time to convince us we're OK.  It patiently waits for our momentum to die.  And rather than re-emerge in a fantastic flurry, it quietly creates a mental blank spot where we are unable to summon the memory of our experience.  I always fell for it quietly.

"Staying stopped" is not about abstinence.  It's about understanding the futility of abstinence alone, of recognizing the Groundhog Day life we're leading.  We stay stopped when we recognize the futility of our will, and become willing to do whatever is required to be relieved of the madness.  When we are restored to sanity through working the steps, we are no longer prey to strange mental blank spots.  We are aware and present. We'll always be addicts and alcoholic, but we have recovered from the inability to distinguish the true from the false.