"And you know that if anyone had a clue how wrong it felt to be sober, they wouldn’t dream of asking you to stay that way. They would say oh geez, I didn’t know. It’s okay for you. Do that mound of cocaine. Have a drink. Have 20 drinks."

If someone has cancer and they don’t treat it, most likely they’ll die. If someone with cancer is in remission, and their cancer returns, its sad and people support them unconditionally.

If someone has addiction and they don’t treat it, most likely they’ll die.  Yet, if someone with alcoholism stays sober for a while then drinks again, they’ve “fallen off the wagon“, “don’t want it bad enough”,  “or just aren’t ready.” If someone with an eating disorder, self harm, or other form of self-destructive behavior, falls back into old habits- "their never going to change" "hopeless" or “have no will-power“

I say bullshit. Can you imagine someone saying that to a cancer patient who’s cancer returns? “Guess they’re not ready and or just don’t want it bad enough…”

Even though in treatment I was told addiction was a disease, it was hard for me to accept. A part of me wanted to hold on to the idea that I could control my using, thus rejecting the entire disease concept. Each time I would end up at a new bottom, I slowly started to accept that maybe it was a disease after-all.

I had such low-self esteem as the result living years of self-destructive behavior. Now, it’s important to point out that this is NOT what I showed on the inside. And for the most part, not what I believed about myself on the inside. Alcoholism is the only disease that continually tries to convince those who suffer from it that they DO NOT have it. Conversely, I had what I was showing the world on the outside, confused with what I was feeling on the inside. As long as I had my shit together, I was OK. Truth was, inside I was dying a slow painful death. I can clearly look back and see that about myself today. Compared to the peace and happiness I have inside today, it’s night and day.

There’s some dialog in the movie 28 Days that sort of puts into perspective the mindset of an alcoholic or addict. The person speaking is Steve Bushimi’s character, Cornell:

“If that will make you happy, I will stop drinking. And then I would tell myself tonight I will not get wasted. And then something would happen. Or nothing would happen. And I’d get that feeling and you all know what that feeling is; when your skin is screaming and your hands are shaking and your stomach feels like it wants to jump through your throat. And you know that if anyone had a clue how wrong it felt to be sober, they wouldn’t dream of asking you to stay that way. They would say oh geez, I didn’t know. It’s okay for you. Do that mound of cocaine. Have a drink. Have 20 drinks. Whatever you need to do to feel like a normal human being, you do it. And boy I did it. I drank and I snorted. I drank and snorted. I drank and snorted. And I did this day after day, day after day, night after night. I didn’t care about the consequences because I knew they couldn’t be half as bad as not using. And then one night something happened. I woke up. I woke up on a sidewalk and I had no idea where I was. I couldn’t have told you what city I was in. And my head was pounding and I looked down and my shirt is covered in blood. And as I’m lying there wondering what happens next and I heard a voice. And it said man, this is not a way to live. This is a way to die.”

So you just keep going. And you know that the majority of people won't understand what it's like to wake up and immediately want to stick a needle in your arm every morning. To have "something" or "nothing" happen and want to use. The feeling of finally having control over something because you're starving yourself or turning to the blade. But then you're grateful- they will never know what this feels like, and you won't ever know what it's like to not feel like this. But somehow it's all okay, because you know through this crazy fucked up nonsense, we have found hope, peace, and serenity. I know for me had I never got to my bottom, being a needle stickin' junkie layin' in the psych ward begging for a pen and they won't give you one unless they're sitting with a nurse because you might hurt yourself. And then you leave and end homeless, carless, jobless, AGAIN- you have nothing- and then you realize you have a problem. At first the problem is you don't have enough dope to cope with all your problems, but then you realize you have to stop the dope. So you do, and you still have problems, but you can manage your life. I know if I hadn't have gotten to my bottom, I'd still be casually drinking away my life with no hope. But because I have failed over and over again- today I can succeed.

The amazing thing about recovery and the disease of addiction, is that as I become a useful member of society as a recovered alcoholic/addict, I represent those who are still drinking/using and have a chance. But I always think the same thing, “just stay alive.” As long as you’re alive, there’s a chance. If I can make it through the day sober.. that's a win. One day at a time, those "win's" add up and eventually I can help someone else "win."

All the spoons are in the dishwasher....

All the spoons are in the dishwasher. I'm grateful today that I  don't need one. 

 

Recovering from addiction requires more than just not using drugs. Last fall, I relapsed.... again.. It wasn't until December, that I finally realized this wasn't working. I couldn't live with drugs, but alas I could not live without them. Something had to change, but what? I finally realized that it's more than just not using. I am an addict. I don't have alcoholwasm. I have alcoholism. For a long time I was really bitter about the whole situation. I want to be able to drink. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and not have sticking a needle in my arm being the first thought. I don't want to be triggered every time I see a spoon, foil, syringes, etc. I want to be a muggle! a normi! whatever you call it that's what I wanted, and I emphasize the WANTED part. Past tense. Today I am grateful to say I am an addict. I have a problem, but I have found a solution. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy by any means. It's my own form of chemotherapy

One of the most profound realizations of my recovery was that I was entirely unable to treat the physical and mental aspects of alcoholism.  The mental infatuation with the promise of alcohol's relief and the physical compulsion to put as much of it in my bloodstream as possible were driven by a deeper pain and distress that I'd lived with so long that I could no longer identify it.  It was my factory setting, a unique wiring system that interpreted the world differently than my fellows and processed a debilitating form of self-centered fear with regularlity.

So it made sense that I could not "just not pick up the first drink," no more than a tuberculosis patient could just not cough.  It was not in my control.  Grasping this was virtually impossible:  it ran against everything I'd been taught about self-control to consider the idea that I could not control my arm lifting a drink to my mouth. It felt incredibly silly to say, yet when you looked at the track record-- wasn't it true?  Had I not proven time and time again that I was without power against the first drink or drug?

 

Reactions. I have hundreds of them every day.  Stimulation and information come in-- through my ears, my eyes--  are processed by my hard drive, a reaction is created and then presented back to the outside world.

As an addict, I was born with a corrupt hard drive. It tends to over-interpret information, and consequently over-delivers the reaction.  This typically creates more over-stimulation and over-reaction.  I feel at odds with the world (restless, irritable and discontent) and only alcohol and drugs soothe this for me. Alcohol "treated" my alcoholism-- for a little while.  Unfortunately, by the time I understood that alcohol and drugs had betrayed me, I was unable to stop using them.

The internal rearrangement brought about by working the 12 steps begins the process of debugging the hard drive.   We become aware that our reactions are fueled by faulty information and out of proportion to the situation and the world around us.  We begin to understand that our role and behavior is what we can effect. We see self-righteous anger as a dubious luxury.

As the hard-drive gets better, we recoginize the folly of our immediate reactions.  They still come-- deprogramming takes time-- but we are able to detach and see them.  And we do something we could never do before-- we pause.  We breathe.  We pray.  We call people. We go to a meeting.  The reaction is not given permission to launch. 

Each day I ask for my thinking to be directed, for awareness and for my higher power to stay clean with me throughout that day.  I can't say I'm going to stay clean for ever at this point. I really really love heroin, cocaine, meth, xanax, needle, etc.... It's a lot to say I'm going to stay clean for ever, but I know I can stay clean today, 30 more minuet-that I can handle. Tomorrow I'll do the same thing. One day at a time... WE DO RECOVER!