"And you know that if anyone had a clue how wrong it felt to be sober, they wouldn’t dream of asking you to stay that way. They would say oh geez, I didn’t know. It’s okay for you. Do that mound of cocaine. Have a drink. Have 20 drinks."

If someone has cancer and they don’t treat it, most likely they’ll die. If someone with cancer is in remission, and their cancer returns, its sad and people support them unconditionally.

If someone has addiction and they don’t treat it, most likely they’ll die.  Yet, if someone with alcoholism stays sober for a while then drinks again, they’ve “fallen off the wagon“, “don’t want it bad enough”,  “or just aren’t ready.” If someone with an eating disorder, self harm, or other form of self-destructive behavior, falls back into old habits- "their never going to change" "hopeless" or “have no will-power“

I say bullshit. Can you imagine someone saying that to a cancer patient who’s cancer returns? “Guess they’re not ready and or just don’t want it bad enough…”

Even though in treatment I was told addiction was a disease, it was hard for me to accept. A part of me wanted to hold on to the idea that I could control my using, thus rejecting the entire disease concept. Each time I would end up at a new bottom, I slowly started to accept that maybe it was a disease after-all.

I had such low-self esteem as the result living years of self-destructive behavior. Now, it’s important to point out that this is NOT what I showed on the inside. And for the most part, not what I believed about myself on the inside. Alcoholism is the only disease that continually tries to convince those who suffer from it that they DO NOT have it. Conversely, I had what I was showing the world on the outside, confused with what I was feeling on the inside. As long as I had my shit together, I was OK. Truth was, inside I was dying a slow painful death. I can clearly look back and see that about myself today. Compared to the peace and happiness I have inside today, it’s night and day.

There’s some dialog in the movie 28 Days that sort of puts into perspective the mindset of an alcoholic or addict. The person speaking is Steve Bushimi’s character, Cornell:

“If that will make you happy, I will stop drinking. And then I would tell myself tonight I will not get wasted. And then something would happen. Or nothing would happen. And I’d get that feeling and you all know what that feeling is; when your skin is screaming and your hands are shaking and your stomach feels like it wants to jump through your throat. And you know that if anyone had a clue how wrong it felt to be sober, they wouldn’t dream of asking you to stay that way. They would say oh geez, I didn’t know. It’s okay for you. Do that mound of cocaine. Have a drink. Have 20 drinks. Whatever you need to do to feel like a normal human being, you do it. And boy I did it. I drank and I snorted. I drank and snorted. I drank and snorted. And I did this day after day, day after day, night after night. I didn’t care about the consequences because I knew they couldn’t be half as bad as not using. And then one night something happened. I woke up. I woke up on a sidewalk and I had no idea where I was. I couldn’t have told you what city I was in. And my head was pounding and I looked down and my shirt is covered in blood. And as I’m lying there wondering what happens next and I heard a voice. And it said man, this is not a way to live. This is a way to die.”

So you just keep going. And you know that the majority of people won't understand what it's like to wake up and immediately want to stick a needle in your arm every morning. To have "something" or "nothing" happen and want to use. The feeling of finally having control over something because you're starving yourself or turning to the blade. But then you're grateful- they will never know what this feels like, and you won't ever know what it's like to not feel like this. But somehow it's all okay, because you know through this crazy fucked up nonsense, we have found hope, peace, and serenity. I know for me had I never got to my bottom, being a needle stickin' junkie layin' in the psych ward begging for a pen and they won't give you one unless they're sitting with a nurse because you might hurt yourself. And then you leave and end homeless, carless, jobless, AGAIN- you have nothing- and then you realize you have a problem. At first the problem is you don't have enough dope to cope with all your problems, but then you realize you have to stop the dope. So you do, and you still have problems, but you can manage your life. I know if I hadn't have gotten to my bottom, I'd still be casually drinking away my life with no hope. But because I have failed over and over again- today I can succeed.

The amazing thing about recovery and the disease of addiction, is that as I become a useful member of society as a recovered alcoholic/addict, I represent those who are still drinking/using and have a chance. But I always think the same thing, “just stay alive.” As long as you’re alive, there’s a chance. If I can make it through the day sober.. that's a win. One day at a time, those "win's" add up and eventually I can help someone else "win."