I haven't had my netbook for quite some time, (1+ years) my awesome brother recently fixed it.. I found a few things I had written from way back in the day when I was FIRST trying to get clean/sober. The following were all written within my first 30 days of sobriety, (the first time) back in 2010. The first is a goodbye letter to drugs, the second/third are letters from Myself to "future me" and from "future me" to "past me" and the third was just for fun.. completely unedited, these were my first Sober thoughts. ENJOY!
#1
Dear Heroin, Cocaine, Meth, Alcohol, and any mood/mind altering substance,
For years I believed that I loved you but now I am so happy to say that we are through. The moment my eyes opened it was you who I ran to. Shaking, sweating, puking desperate to feel you. You took away my fear, conscience and pain and gave me such a rush like I was going insane. I loved you so much and for so long. No matter how much I knew this way of life was wrong.
You stole everything that I had ever owned. Stole everyone I ever loved and then left me alone. You made me turn all my loved ones away. In the end it was only you who remained. I had to have you, you were my #1 priority, even if it meant going against the authority. I couldn't live without you, you became my obsession. I couldn't go anywhere without you in my possession.
If I tried a day without you, you would make me pay. You would make me so deathly ill I couldn't make it one day. You made me lie, cheat and steal and then your effect I could no longer feel. You put me in danger and made the worst of me come out. You made it so clear that it was you who I couldn't live without.
I never want to touch you ever again, you've ruined my life, why I choose you I don't know?
You're the worst thing that ever came into my life. Yes, I did love you but now it's time to say goodbye. You made me feel like I’m worth nothing at all, just a dirty junkie sticking needles in my arms. You're out of my life now, don't need you no more.
Wanted to kill myself a few times 'cause I couldn't go through it. Even tried once. Well guess what, I can and did do it. I can beat you anytime. I can control you, you don't control me.
I've got enough will power to get you out of my life for good. I'm strong and much stronger than you can ever be. I'm not losing anything over you. Goodbye heroin. Goodbye Cocaine. Goodbye Meth. I don’t need you today.
Love,
Mitch
#2
Dear Future Me,
Wherever and whatever you may be, I hope that you are genuinely happy. When you go to bed you actually want to wake up the next morning and spring into action. I believe that you've accepted your limitations and recognized the full scope of your abilities. You know your likes and dislikes and are not afraid to voice them as the case may be.
If none of the above is true, and if you are still the sniveling creature that I am now, cowering in the shadows and wracked by bouts of rage and depression, I hope you put an end to your misery. Sell all your possessions and go out into the world. Take an indeterminate break. Yes, it'll be scary, but remember that a sense of uncertainty, even fear, means that you just might be on the right track. Life is risk. Deal with it. Or just kill yourself. I bet that painless technology to do that is already around. Donate your organs to individuals who really want to live so that you're existence might not have been entirely without meaning.
I am 13 days clean and hope to actually enjoy life soon. It might force me to open up to new experiences. And that's one thing you need - coercion and an organized plan. Stop resisting order and linearity. What are you so afraid of?
Hopefully, whatever you are doing it better not be heroin, cocaine, and meth, I'm proud of you. Good luck with the next few years, and remember, no matter how bad it gets, it could never be as bad as this last year, stewed in the juices of depression. But things are looking up for me, and you, so stay up
Love,
PastMe
Dear Future Me,
I decided this morning to live like Future Me. I decided if I did that I would learn to truly accept myself in the present. It means I can do exactly what I want to do with no more excuses. No more 'I can't do that because I'm' 'too fat', 'too poor', 'not good enough' etc., etc. Future Me doesn't have any of those problems. If I live like Future Me, I will become Future Me. At least that's the theory.
So Future Me, when you receive this I hope you're in a better place than I am right now. Hope you're over your “problem to a good extent, hope you're getting up and singing your heart out, hope you've finished that novel, hope you're in loads less debt. I hope you're helping people. And I hope you're not Future Me, any more, but Present Me. Does that make sense?
I hope you can look back when you receive this (how cool would it be if you forgot you wrote it and it was a total surprise) and feel bloody great that you moved on from this point.
Love Present Me.
#3 I used to be embarrassed and ashamed. I tried to hide my addiction and “fix myself.” I didn’t want anyone to know because who would understand? I got to a point where it was me or them. I couldn’t hide and get better. realized I do not have to regret my past because I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for where I have been. Do I care what they think or do I care about my life? I am a heroin addict, I am a meth addict, and I am a cocaine addict, I love anything that alters my mind/mood, AND, I’m pretty bad at roller-skating! My name is Michelle Rae Hansen, I was born August 17, 1988, would you like my social security number? Put me on the news, facebook, I’ll take the fame, I may be an addict, but my addiction is not going to be the death of me. I will die with an addiction, but NOT because of it. I plan on my headstone reading, “I’d rather be shopping.” Not, “I let dope put me in a hurse.” I am strong, smart, beautiful, and alive. I have scars from needles and I’m still alive to tell the story, and most importantly, I AM CLEAN AND SOBER! I have the ability now to help others. So call me a junkie, addict, dope fiend, I’ll take any label proudly. I have learned that I am who I am. I cannot change my past, I do not regret my past, I am who I am. I am grateful for my addiction because now I have the ability to help other addicts. So, give me my name tag, tattoo “addict” on me, and hand me my roller-skates.
