I hope you dance.

Today is a very special day for three reasons.  One is it's my five months clean and sober :) and two it's Patrick's 34 birthday. Happy Birthday Patty Cakes! Patrick also has eleven months clean and sober! Congrats! Althought we aren't together he has been a very big part of my life and I was forever changed by him-for better or for worse. I really miss Patrick, but I want to recount a story that helps remind me why things are they way they are.  It happened during the game of drugs.  I call it a game because that's what it was, but nobody wins.  We all lose.  I lost everything, the love of my life, my car, my job, my friends, my family, so many worldly possesions I can't even begin to name them all, my freedom, my stability, my sanity, my heart, and my soul.  I consider myself to be a grateful recovering addict/alcoholic, grateful because of the experiences that taught me so much that I can learn and grow from and grateful that Patrick and I both came out of the game alive and we are both clean today.  We both beat the odds of the game and called game over.  We're lucky-we survived.  For the story to make sense I have to go into detail-so for those of you who don't know- people don't survive heroin addiction, let alone heroin, meth, cocaine, and everything else we were doing.  When you are shooting up twenty times daily you're bound to overdose or end up in jail.  Especially when you have been using for as long as we were.  So how did we do it, how did we survive? Nothing short of a miracle.  We had angels watching over us.  We were watching over each other.  I believe today that I went through all of this so that I could have these experiences and would be able to help others who have are in the same place I have been. I can be that angel, that miracle. 
It was a very very hot July day in 2010.  I remember it being so hot because I was wearing long sleeves to cover the track marks on my arms.  It was miserable.  We were getting ready to go to Salt Lake to meet the mexicans to get our drugs.  We were both sick and needed to get there asap.  The mexicans close at 7 pm and it was about 6 so we had to haul ass! I had been bugging Patrick for quite awhile that I wanted to go up the canyon, and I have NO IDEA WHY, but we went up the canyon, makes no sense whatsoever, but we were high as fuck. We went up Springville Canyon and Patrick was falling asleep so after about a half hour I turned back around.  We passed a park and Patrick perked up, "pull over, I need to see if something is here." So I did.  He got out of the car and something was really weird. He walked over a hill and disappeared. I honestly thought he was going to kill himself. I sat in the car bawling for about ten minutes and finally started yelling for him.  He came walking over the hill and had a glow about him, he looked different.  He got back in the car and grabbed my hand and said, "don't worry Mitch, everything is  going to be okay." Let me prephase that up until this point Patrick made all the decisions, where are we going to eat? he decided, where are we going to sleep? he decided, how are we going to........ he decided. This wasn't because he was controlling, this is because I did not want any control, I was not confident in making any decisions whatsoever.  So we start driving down the canyon and he starts SCREAMING at me!!!!! "I can't do this anymore you've got to figure something out!" So we get into Springville and he says he wants a drink so I pull into a gas station.  We are in the drive thru and a few minutes later he says see that car behind us, they are an under cover, I hope we don't get busted, it would be your fault and that would really suck.  So I leave and then he says, that really sucks I wanted a drink.  So I ask him, do you want me to go to another gas station? This whole time he is still screaming, he says you decide I don't give a fuck. So I say should we go to charlies or 7-11? "you decide" We had been talking about going to his sisters in Arizona to get clean and he brought that up but left it up to me if we should go.  I said Patrick, we can't just take off, we have no money, no drugs to make it there so we'd be sick, no suboxone to detox, you have kids here, I have family. It just didn't make sense, He said yeah, but we're gonna get busted if we stay here. So here I am left in a real tough spot. So I drive to Spanish fork, still screaming at me, mad because I can't and won't decide what to do. I was so lost and confused and the screaming wasn't helping. Finally he said mitch just do what you feel you need to do, don't worry about what anyone else thinks. So I had this weirdest feeling I needed to go to his moms house. Which is weird because I love his mom, but there was no reason I needed to go there. So I drive to his moms, (patrick knows that's where I am going.) We get there and I go to get out of the car and (keep in mind we haven't slept in about a week and both look like shit) Patrick says what are you doing and I said going to talk to your mom he asked about what I said I don't know he said you can't just go talk to my mom when you don't even know what about! So I get back in the car and drive off. Then he screams at me, you just fucked things up you needed to talk to my mom and you wouldn't do it! WTF?! He wasn't making any sense. So I drive back, get out of the car, SAME THING HAPPENS, so I leave again, this happens threet times! Finally, He stops yelling! he breaks down and starts crying and says Mitch, I can't do it anymore, When we were up the canyon he had prayed, and he had a feeling he needed to teach me a lesson, that he wouldn't be around forever for me to lean on and I needed to learn how to stand up for myself and make my own decisions. I can't let other people rule me.( My Fav Kenny Chesney Song, better as a memory, "I see you leaning, you're bound to fall, I don't wanna be that mistake" I was leaning on Patrick and I was going to fall, so he had to "walk away as if I don't care" So despite him thinking me going to his moms was a bad idea, I did it anyway, I dropped him off at his brothers and went over. I told her that we were both alone and scared, we didn't have anyone, no money and we wanted to get clean, but had no way to do it.  We talked for a long time and she called his cousin out of state and made plans for him to leave town and get clean.  A few weeks later, Patrick was able to leave town and get clean. I look back on this and it brings tears to my eyes, what a miracle. Patrick was spiritual, but not religious and not while we were using, so why did he have a feeling to pray? Why did we go up the canyon when we were both sick! We needed to be going to Salt lake! Patrick was so good to me so he had a strong enough feeling that he needed to be that mean to teach me a lesson, he knew he was going to have to leave before the plans were even made.  If all of this hadn't happened, Patrick and I would both either be dead or in jail today I'm sure of it.  It's nothing short of a miracle.  I didn't hit rock bottom while I was with Patrick because I always had him to lean on, so it took him leaving town and me still using, then me losing him because of my using for me to hit rock bottom.  Otherwise I never would have gotten there.  I could still be with Patrick today, using together, died using together, or together but in jail. I am grateful that Patrick and I are both clean and sober, even though we aren't together we are both okay, and that's all I really ever wanted. I couldn't ask for more.  I go back to one of my favorite songs, by Garth Brooks, The Dance, Looking back on the memories of the dance we shared beneath the stars above, for a moment all the world was right, how could I have known, that you'd ever say goodbye, and I, I'm glad I didn't know, the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd a had to miss, the dance.  That's so true. I love Patrick with all my heart and always will, and I wouldn't change anything, I wouldn't change my past, because then I would have missed the dance, and it was a beautiful dance. The last text message Patrick ever sent me said, I hope you dance. So even though Patrick will never read this, I just want to say, I'm dancing Patrick, I'm dancing. :)

To go along with the song, Here is a glimpse looking back on "the dance"

This last picture, we had been playing slip-n-slide all day, not to mention it was
during the July mentioned above.




The world right now, is exactly as it should be ~ :)