Truth is......

Sometimes I just wanna use so bad. People say that they relapse when things are "going well for them" because they have a grip on life and think they can "handle" using. I don't think that's the truth, I think it's a misperception and in reality things are going okay, but not at all what we hope they would or could be.  We wish for so much more and loose hope because we aren't where or what we want to be. We have lost everything through our addiction and it seems like we will never get it back.  So you start to think, maybe I'd be better off using, at least then I'd know what to expect, I would know that things are going to suck rather than hope things are going to get better when in reality they don't, maybe slowly they do, but it's really slowly.  You start to like using, like being stuck, sick and alone, it become comfortable being uncomfortable. You feel like a loser when you are clean, and it seems better to feel like a loser when you are using, at least then you have a good reason. You shouldn't expect things to be going well if you are high. My friend, Stephen Howard wrote this and it hits home so I thought I would share,  "Truth is there is a part of me that likes being sick, relishing in the anguish of it all. This part of me doesnt want to get better it wants to setup shop in my head for victimization and self destruction. I feel like such a loser sometimes it seems better to be self destructive; crazy; and a part of this thing called heroin junkie than to be my loser self perception. This can only be a misconception since I am a beloved child of God and my worth doesnt come from what I do but what I am."